Broken

I'm hanging on to another day...

With a broken heart...

There is healing...

In the end I find meaning.

Im holding on, Im still holding...Barely holding on to you...

...got the above sentences from the song: Broken, Lifehouse.

SCREAM

I wanna JERIT (scream)!!

Arrggghhh.

JERITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!

Too much things in my blardy brain. I wanna delete them. Why isn't there a delete button?

Happy songs are not helping at all.

Thoughts from a friend

Things looks normal for the surface but within it’s all so messed up. Actually it’s not that messed up but because of wanting to make everything looks so nice and pleasant for everyone, it gets all so hay-wired for the owner. The problem is that not everyone have the same taste in things, which makes it so difficult to please everyone. The owner of the display should have the right of placing the items on the display but somehow passer-bys will leave many remarks which make the owner thinking for so long and deep. Some passer-bys will say it’s your display, do it how you like and don’t think to hard and long. Some passer-bys will keep reminding the owner that don’t hide the items but certain items can’t b displayed so openly as it might not be liken by themselves. It’s so difficult right? Just one simple display can get so complicated. So complicated that the owner rather make it so simple on the display and hide all the things which are beautiful to the owner.

Got the above statement from a colleague when she was sharing her thoughts to me. Sigh! I tired to give my advice but I don’t know if things can get better. That’s why it’s so susah to be with humans..rather be with animals. Hehehe..They can’t talk to you at all. So no worries to share. Hahaha.

Beady

Yesterday I bought stuffs.

My favourite stuffs: BEADS!

I was happy! The beads were much cheaper compare to the one I bought from previously. It was really wholesale price.

Me happy happy.

Think I can turun harga for my sister bracelets. Hehehehe.

Wait. I’ll think bout it first! I’m so bad! Mohney minded!

On leave.

I'M ON LEAVE!!!

hehehehe.... Don't be jealous.

i'm going out to get my stuffs..meaning bye bye mohney!

Dang...

But it's for the goodness. What am i crapping about? no idea. Adios people!

Enjoy working!!!

Finally it's over.

Have been mentioning bout my assessment.

It's OVER!! It's over finally!!

I don't know if I impressed the panels. I have a NOT very good feeling. I probably won't pass through this round.

I'm feeling sad. Silly right?

There were 133 participants, 7 dropout on the first day itself. 2 males & 5 females. There were like 5 pregnant ladies in the assessment too. One lady is due in two weeks. SCARY!!!

As usual, my bahasa Melayu was not very good. Fluency was bad too. >__< Feeling more down already. DANG!

I'm feeling like a wilted flower. No energy. Lifeless.

Friday!!

Tomorrow is Friday!

I'm bloody nervous!!

I'm getting all scared!!!

Hopefully everything goes smoothly for me for the next 3 days!!!!

>______________<

That's how I'm feeling right now. NERVOUS SCARED WORRY!!! Feel like releasing my inner voice.

Positivity

Ooo…there is another thing which I was pretty happy (that time when it happened). My sister have approved my bracelet pricing which is pretty affordable and I’ll be going crazy doing them in 2 months. I probably will be blinded by July. Hahahaha…that’s a bit exaggerating though. Wait.. wait…I haven’t include another different pattern of bracelet I promise her. >__< Need to get all my stocks before I can do. Hmmm…need a driver. Any volunteer?

I’m ending this nonsense with:
To increase your effectiveness, make you emotions subordinate to your commitments
- Brian Koslow.

I don’t think it’s going to end yet. I totally agree with the phrase. For me I interpret this phrase as: You need to like and enjoy what you do to increase your effectiveness towards your commitments. Like and enjoy is like emotions. Well not all the time you are able to enjoy or like your commitments. Commitment comes in many different packages. It could be your job, responsibilities as a colleague, parent, child, sibling, friend, loans and load more.

You get what I mean. Let it be anger, sadness or happiness, it somehow can make commitment be accomplished. Sometimes with anger, you need to channel it to something positive…would that be a positive anger?...is there such thing as positive anger?

Well never mind, putting all the anger to achieving your commitment can be done. For example, when I get angry at certain person for belittling me, I will prove to them I can do something great.

See..channeling the negative anger to a positive one. We just need to stay positive no matter how tough and sucky life can be.

Friday..get here faster.

Double 5. That’s the date I was mentioning about. Nothing special la.

I’m super duper nervous for this coming Fri. I’ll be going for 3 days of assessment. And there will be forum, debating, public speaking and health fitness. The indoor activities will be done mostly in Bahasa Melayu. Got some info from my friend that have attended the assessment. She told me about the participates are from different age and working position. Some as old as 30+ to fresh grads. Some have gone through this assessment for like 2 to I don’t know how many times. It seems to be a favorite job for a lot of people.

I hope I don’t embarrass myself of everyone. >__< Specially the indoor activities.

Poem

Something I want to share with you all. Don't remember where I got it. ^__^

What do you want?
If you wanted the moon,
I sling a rope around it and pull it over your window,
If you wanted the sun,
I wear it a shades and park it by your pool side,
If you wanted the earth,
I would deliver it in silver platter.

So what do you think?

Scream!

Yeah..thats what I really feel like doing.

SCREAM!!!! ARGHHHHH!!!!

Who do you think you are to call me and start screaming at me? Have you not thought how it will affect my emotions that moment? All I did was swallow back my anger. I was boiling like mad! TOTALLY RUIN my day. I was doing my revision during working hour. THAT one call made me PISSED OFF!

Later, when I get backed home...I received another called! After a short chat, my anger was back again and this time, I almost cried. I swallowed back my tears. I realised that I'm pretty good in swallowing stuffs! But I couldn't find any solution to release back my anger and frustration!

How would you react when someone told you that your job sucks? Saying that job doesn't require any degree qualification. Saying that any Tom, Dick and Harry can just apply for that job. Deep down, I'm already contemplating if I would ever stay for long in this company. After getting such remarks, I blasted off by saying that I'm happy with my job and I don't care what you say! ARGHHHHHH!!!

Another song

Whenever this song is played on air or on my Realplayer, I somehow will feel calm but sad too. Is it weird?

Here is the song and the clip: Happy Ending

The video clip is this song is quite child like.

Any plans for 2008?

2007 is coming to an end.

2008 is like in 4 days.

Any plans for 2008? A whole new year waiting for us to explore and paint with interesting colours.

How was 2007 for u all? Mine is full with Ups and Downs.

Ups:
Extended a semester just to do 3 papers. Got to do stuffs that I never had the chance to do. Became a photographer for my sis. Moved out of the hostel and rented a place in a condo with 3 nice housemates.

I won a trip for 2 to Phuket. That was a great experience. The best moment was getting an elephant ride.

Had an amazing time with my sisters in Anime Convention. Spending time with my sisters is usually a rare moment. Had a spontaneous birthday celebration for my friends and my eldest sister. Spontaneous action is always the best. Everything is done with great effort. Had a wonderful time with my close friends eventhough we seldom meet up.

Graduating from Uni life is also another great moment for me. I still remember the joyous mood feeling up in me when I put down my pen for my last final exam paper. I was SO HAPPY! I felt the whole weight on my shoulder being lifted up. I gave a small shout of joy in the exam hall. I will always remember that moment.

Met a few interesting people from Facebook and Friendster. One of them became my crush.

Got into a relationship.

Done a few things that I didn't thought I would do in my life. I will not regret them at all.

Went to PD with my sister and colleagues and became an unofficial photographer. Had a time there. Done a few things which I wanted to do in my list to achieve. Went for flying fox, paintball game, horse riding and go-karting. I think the best part was to be a photographer...but later suffered aches on my thighs.

(BTW, I love taz)

Downs:

During my exam week, my close-love-one was giving me a difficult time. Was not answering calls from the person. I got so irritated whenever I see the number pop out on the screen. Was stressed out for a period of time. I snapped at my sister most of the time. Sorry.

Ended a relationship without feeling sad at that moment but the following day, I got so pissed off with the person and got a little depressed for a few days..probably for 2 weeks.

Felt the confusion when I got job offers. I was only on break for 2 weeks then I was asked to start in Dec. I didn't have the proper break during the 2 weeks. But in the end, I turned all of them down and accepted a job starting in Jan.

I think this year...I had a lots of mood swing. Not good.

Oh gosh..i very lari topic la. Was suppose to write on plans for 2008? But I'm babbling about my 2007 ups and downs.

I have a a list: What I want to do in 2008. Do you all come up with such things? Are you able to achieve everything listed in it? I have never really done this list thingy. I really want and hope to be able to tick off every item.

My list is pretty short. I don't want to put too many things and not able to do all of them. I want to go to Redang and Kuching or Sabah next year. I hope to do some jewelry made out of beads and sell them. Of course there are some stuffs but I'm not saying it. hehehe. *smiling shyly*

May 2008 be a beautiful year for all of you and to myself too. Hope 2008 will be a super lucky year too! *wink*

Morning blues

Suppose to sleep till 10am but my brain has its own alarm clock and it's set to wake up at 8am. @_@

Feeling sleepy now. The moment I opened my eyes, the first thing my brain tells me to check my mobile phone. Read a few messages and again I was hoping to receive someone's message. Again the sadness starts to flood into me. It is so not right.

Early in the morning I'm already feeling the blues.

Tried to get some sleep but my bloody brain didn't want to do as I said. The more I lazed around on my bed...I felt like crying.

DAMN! I'm suppose to feel happy today! Okie maybe at least how I always feel like some other day...like feeling normal and without blues. But NO!! I'm feeling sad on my BIG day! STUPID STUPID SILLY SILLY ME!! Someone help me..please. >__<

Scream

I want to scream out!

But nothing is coming out from my mouth. I'm feeling so restless and upset. The upset-ness had increased since just now. It's not going away.

Looking back at certain things had provoked my sadness and my anger too. But I think the sadness win in this case.

Chatting with a friend over the MSN had also made me more upset. I felt that my friend is avoiding me. That is horrible. What should I do? I think my previous action had lead to todays outcome. I have no one to blame but myself.

Should I regret what I have done? I don't regret it at all but the way my friend is treating me, makes me think twice again bout not regretting. I can't go up to my friend and ask what and why am I getting such treatment right? I hope that one day, we will not remain as how we are treating one another. Maybe the sadness is worst because I liked you and getting such treatment from you really hurts me. This really sucks. I got no one to tell and share my sadness. I really should keep my head on my shoulder not let it tumble around so easily anymore. But I never seem to be able to do that. I'm such a weak person.

Infatuation is sure very dangerous if it is not thought carefully and doing things without much thoughts do bring a lot of troubles.

It's whose birthday?

I used to never really like celebrating birthdays of my own.

Why?

Well, first of all, I don't really know how to express out the right emotions when I received any gifts (sometimes the gifts that were given by friends or siblings can be quite not up to my liking but I can't possibly showed my disliking bcoz it will hurt them). Sometimes I felt that birthdays are over commercialized. Sound so wrong right? Back then, I felt that birthdays are just another day..yeah yeah..I know..You were born on that precious day and should be proud of it. I do still have that thought of birthday is equivalent to any other day. No big deal.


I don't mind celebrating my friends or other people's birthday. I don't even mind planning a surprise party for them but I don't really like it when it's done for me. Weird huh?

But there was once my good friends planned a surprised gathering to celebrate my birthday. I was really touched and surprised but not entirely into the celebration. Contradicting right? Touched and surprised but not into the celebration.

Yeah..recently, my good friends gave me a surprised early birthday gift and it was my one of my favorite gifts I ever received. No matter what, I truly thank everyone for their gifts I received from all my birthdays. It's the thoughts that counts. I think the best surprised I ever received was during my 3rd year in U. My friends left my gifts on my cupboard's door knob and secretly stashed other gift in the cupboard when I was asleep. The morning when I woke up, I was utterly surprised. Thanks to them...I had a great day.

But right now, everyone (meaning my good friends) are busy with their own life agenda. I'm secretly missing the birthday surprises. What is wrong with me? I think this year birthday will really like be any other day. My wish came true but I'm not enjoying it at all. I'll be alone this year. This really make me sound pathetic. Well I'm just going to forget about it.

Why am I feeling upset? I think there are other reasons that made me feel so upset. My heart is tearing right now. It's feeling very heavy. It all started by when a friend actually forget that we were supposed to meet up for dinner. I've been in that situation a few times. That really pissed me off...but somehow, today I wasn't pissed off but sad. Am I so forgettable? Anyway that's not important. I still can't master: Don't put too much hope in anything. *sigh*

By the way: Happy birthday to those December babies!

Stuck

Sometimes when a person dislikes or maybe hate the other person, no matter what the other person had done good or even helped a lot for the person, the person will still dislike or maybe hate the other person. Does it sound confusing?

Ermm..not really actually. Hopefully you all get what I'm trying to convey the message above.


I've met a few people with the character of 'the person'. Let it be friends or even parents towards their children. This is for real not the fictional character we see on tv or big screen.

Lets say in a friendship, the other person might have done something that might hurt the person, the person somehow couldn't forgive them and keeps the offending deed in their mind. Sometimes it's just a small misunderstanding but it got out of control. When the other person try to make the situation better...it doesn't work at all. I was once in that phase. But then, I realized that whats the point by keeping the offending deed and spoil a friendship that we had before. But then, the offending deed is pretty deep and complicated and involves other parties too which made it more complicated. So what I did was, I let it go and forget about it. Let's start all over again and keep that offending deed at the very very back of my mind and stray away whenever that offending deed was brought up. Sometimes it is easier said then done. It's too complicated till I didn't want to get involve in it again and cause another fight and many other stuffs that can happen.

In a parents and children relationship, it happens too. Whenever the other person try to make their parents proud of them or just to fulfill their responsibilities as children, the person (parents in this case) will never give their approval. It is very heart breaking for the other person. No matter what the other person have done, in the eyes of the person, the other person is doing whatever is done for a motive. It's like the other person is out to get them. Sometimes the person (parents) would spout out bad stuffs (like..the other person is doing this because they want blah blah..or they never come and visit them blah blah blah) to their other kids which leads them to tell the other person (their siblings). The other person would be so heart broken when they get that news. Sometimes I wonder, should the siblings tell it to the other person or just shut up.

The other person would have the thoughts of: Why doesn't the person like me at all? I'm also their flesh and meat.

The other person would call up their children or other people to share their sadness. The other people which sometimes can be friends or relatives..lets say if it's their relatives..the relatives will be stuck in a situation. This sometimes would give an impression to the 3rd party that the person is black heart and selfish person. Somehow if relatives do know the person pretty well...they are stuck in the middle between the person and the other person. i seriously hope the term the person and the other person is not giving you all a hard time.

It's a situation that nobody would like to get stuck in but there are things that can't be avoided. Getting stuck in between people you know can be very stressful and disheartening. I do know how it feels and sometimes I felt like running away and not wanting to stay at that spot physically or mentally.

Present tense

The previous blog is about my past..I just want to say somethings...I'm quite a flicker minded person. Or...maybe I tend to see the both side of things. Up to you all to judge.

I just want to say that, even though I'm told about my past by someone and hated bout the story telling of my past...I REALLY care deep down in my heart for that story teller. I guess if not for the past, I wouldn't be able to get many things right now and learning many things that not everyone can get in their lifes. I guess there is always the pro and con for everything in life.

Past tense

Do you know that the past can actually come back and haunt you even though you didn't want it to happen?

The past is always brought back to your mind and being frequently reminded why it happened to you. The first time you were told bout your past which practically happened before you even stepped into to this big big world. And from then onwards you have a history that you didn't even knew you will be born with it.

The moment you can understand what the other person was trying to tell you, the history was told repeatly till it is craved in my heart.

The first time I heard of the story, I felt so sad. And I just believed every word told to me. I was angry at a point in my life that I was being treated like that. I don't think anyone deserved it. Somehow that history or past made me a cold hearted person when I was very young. Sad movies doesn't move me. I won't shed a tear at all. It would be a tough job to get me to shed tears...even till today.

And after the angry phase, I got into a phase where I-didn't-bother-to-think about it anymore. Every time I was told bout the past, I just pretended to listen but not a single word entered my ear at all. Come on...it has been in my heart for so long...I don't need the reminder. During my secondary school years, I can be considered a very tough girl...to my close friend..she knew I was pretty cold hearted when come to sad matters. I'm still like that but much toned down. I felt that I had to grow up into an adult when I was still a kid. I had to learn to accept that past and just keep moving forward.

When people asked me about my 'past', I just told them like it was nothing at all. As if it's a okay matter...no big deal...but deep down I feel very upset. I don't shed tears up front but tears do pour out inside my heart. I always felt that I needed to show I'm a strong girl and I don't need anyone to care for me. I guess I'm just putting up a strong front look but inside me...I would crush down anytime if you hit the right button.

Even though I'm a cold hearted person, I'm quite a happy person...sometimes too sunshine-y. It gets into the nerves of my friends. I do get moody at times. But most of the time..I'm a happy girl. I don't keep grudges. I forget any unhappy incidents after a while. I prefer to forget those unnecessary things..no point keeping it in my tiny brain and make me more upset. Maybe I'm just trying to be a happy person so that the cold hearted side of me doesn't take over the brain.


So here's a bit of me...about my past and how it still affects me everyday of my life. But I still hate that past which is being repeatly told to me.

I HATE IT.

HATE IT THAT I'M REPEATLY REMINDED.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LET GO OF THE HATE.

I'VE NEVER SAID OUT THE HATE WORD TO ANYONE.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME ADMITTING IT.

On the way back

Was on my way back to hometown. Took a bus to KL Sentral. Yeah I know I can just take it straight to Pasar Seni...yeah..stupid right. But I don't really know the way if the bus drops me at pasar seni. So got off at KL Sentral. Took the LRT to Masjid Jamek. Sometimes people can be so blind or they really don't care about what is written on a board. For example, when taking the escalator, please stand at the left side if you are not overtaking. Well there are this stupid people who doesn't know how to follow instructions. I wanted to catch the train which was there and the front people didn't know how to move the right. Worst still, they are deaf too. They can't hear me saying 'Excuse me.' Never mind...I tried to calm myself. Got to the platform and queued for the coming train. The train that left was sardin packed. I was happily queuing and came a few people that didn't know how to queue. DAMN these people! They just stand in front and budged into the train that arrived later. It didn't really help the situation..coz the train was packed again. DUMB ASS PEOPLE!!!! I was cursing them.

Got my bus ticket at Puduraya and had to wait for an hour. Was feeling sleepy eventhough I was listening to various radio stations...I love to switch channel when I don't like to hear the songs they are airing or deejays yapping away. I was sitting at platform 1, facing the wall..meaning my back was facing towards the other platforms. Was sitting very near to a stall selling burger. I thought maybe by reading a book will keep me awake. SO WRONG...I felt more sleepy.

I turned my attention to people around me. Was staring at a boy opening up his burger stall. I was thinking: how old is this boy? Does he enjoy opening up the burger stall? It looked like a routinized job to him because he was taking his time to do his stuffs. He looked like he enjoyed it. But I realised that his surrounding ain't that clean. Why? Coz...there were 3 pigeons resting at the top of the wall. And i saw pigeon's dung on the floor near his stall. I was like...eeeuuu...okie..I know I shouldn't have that reaction..but cleanliness is very important especially when you are selling burger to people. When he was folding his blue covering for his stall...the cover was sweeping on the floor where there are bird's dung. And by the end of the day, he will be using it to cover up his stall. Then the next day, he will be doing the same thing...and the cover that covered the stall would have probably stained the area which is needed to prepare the burger. Can you all imagine what I'm imagining in my mind now? Maybe he would have wiped the area before preparing the food...I wasn't there for too long to see him preparing his burger. I had to get down to the platform.

I never liked walking down the stairs of Puduraya to the waiting area of the bus. One: The steps are small...not big enough for me feet. Two: The stairs are creeky. Three: I used to have phobia getting down the stairs...so sometimes I get the phobia again. Will talk bout that later. As usual, the waiting area was stinky..the carbon from all the waiting buses. Then I was scanning people again while listening to my music. Whenever I'm alone, music is my source ftom getting bored. And automatically, I will move to the beat of the music that is aired. Once my friend thought I'm crazy for doing that. But who the heck cares. I love..I'll do it. Of course not those really obvious dance moves but very subtle...like swaying the hips a bit..shaking the head..tapping the feet and fingers to the beat. Yeah..back to scanning people. Saw this little cute boy...pretty small size. Then I thought..damn..i was that short before...can't imagine that. Then I saw a familiar face...but not someone I know by name. The town I'm living is pretty small..but not exactly that small. Somehow...you will bump into that person again. Then..there was this guy..his dressing and hair style reminded me of my crush. >__<
Got into the bus...finding for sit number 13...GUESS WHAT! That guy I mention was sitting at number 14. I thought that bus was suppose to have 3 sitting but it turned out to be 4 sitter bus. DAMN!! Must be their old bus. He was like trying to squeeze into a corner...in order he doesn't get into my sitting area. hehe..yup..he quite big size. Not fat okie. The more I looked at him..I was wondering to myself..Is that guy related to my crush? Maybe it's his younger brother? okie okie..thinking too much already. >__< hmmm... Was wondering how is he? DAMN!!! Stop thinking bout him. Fell asleep in the bus. I realized that I usually get an hour nap in the bus. It's like my body is customized to that.

Was drizzling when i got back to my hometown. I never really like getting back home.